me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
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I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
So many pants.
So little yoga.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
*aggressively waits in line*