I started making food, then forgot I was making food so then I started making other food. Now I have two food. I’m doing great.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
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You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Yep. I like all the things.
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Me: If that baby won’t stop crying I’m walking out & going to another restaurant.
Gf: You used to do that too.
Me: that was months ago.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
You can use your cat as a towel. There’s no specific laws against it.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.