@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night

TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how

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@Home_Halfway

I started making food, then forgot I was making food so then I started making other food. Now I have two food. I’m doing great.

@JasonLastname

Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.

@MisterBombay

You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?

@SergioValenCo

Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.

@ACartoonCat1

*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.

*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.

@yerpalmildsauce

Me: If that baby won’t stop crying I’m walking out & going to another restaurant.
Gf: You used to do that too.
Me: that was months ago.

@jazmasta

You can use your cat as a towel. There’s no specific laws against it.

@Social_Mime

Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

@RandomAntics

Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.