ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
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[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.