ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night

TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how

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I started making food, then forgot I was making food so then I started making other food. Now I have two food. I’m doing great.


Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.


You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?


Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.


*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.

*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.


Me: If that baby won’t stop crying I’m walking out & going to another restaurant.
Gf: You used to do that too.
Me: that was months ago.


You can use your cat as a towel. There’s no specific laws against it.


Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.


Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.