Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
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I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
How to woo a woman
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?