ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
You Might Also Like
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!