Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
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“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Eat…
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir