ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
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Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Uh oh…
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone