The lady in front of me wearing yoga pants keeps bending over to pick up quarters, hope she will for dimes too, as I’m out of quarters.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
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COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
C: Jen sounds nice
C: Is Jen single?
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Me : “What’s the passcode to your phone?”
Friend: “My birthday”
My friend and I:
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God: Get Noah on the line.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science