ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
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Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook