Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
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I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.