me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
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Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
…..pretty much.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.