[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know

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[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse


Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?


Virgin Airlines original advertising slogan was “We’re so sorry about that but If you give us a chance we swear it will be better next time”


Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.


Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!

Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.

Both: Never again.



The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.