@sophielou

[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know

[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know

- @sophielou

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@pants_leg

i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives

@lakeanagirl

I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.

@HatfieldAnne

I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.

@kwirkyKerri

There are directions with pictures on this underarm deodorant. Yet another disaster avoided.

@Dawn_M_

These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.

@Alexclaimer

*walks up to IKEA return counter

*rips receipt into tiny pieces

*tells the clerk to put it together himself

@fro_vo

[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda

@smithsara79

[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]

*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time