I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
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If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Virgin Airlines original advertising slogan was “We’re so sorry about that but If you give us a chance we swear it will be better next time”
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.