[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
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My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
In space, no one can hear…
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
look at me when i’m typing to you
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead