You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
You Might Also Like
There should be a YouTube compilation of the expressions on women’s faces when they discover a dress they are trying on also has pockets.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I carry a gun because I’d rather be judged by 12 than carried by six.
“Let’s go around the room & name our biggest fears”
MARIO: When a turtle slowly walks in my direction
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on