Me: *laughing in the face of danger*

Danger: *kills me*

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You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.


There should be a YouTube compilation of the expressions on women’s faces when they discover a dress they are trying on also has pockets.


“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”


“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”

“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”


OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.


WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you


I carry a gun because I’d rather be judged by 12 than carried by six.


“Let’s go around the room & name our biggest fears”

SUPERMAN: Kryptonite


MARIO: When a turtle slowly walks in my direction


I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on