Me: *laughing in the face of danger*

Danger: *kills me*

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Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*


Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?


I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.


I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.


did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past


If you yell Bloody Mary into a mirror 3 times at 3AM, as loud as you can, your mom will appear and tell you to shut up and go to bed.


SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird


He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.


I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.