@AechErvin

Me: *laughing in the face of danger*

Danger: *kills me*

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@wildethingy

Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*

@TheBoydP

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?

@KellyMeldrum

I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.

@PearlsFromMyrna

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

@pancake_puns

did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past

@jackie_ibbyxo

If you yell Bloody Mary into a mirror 3 times at 3AM, as loud as you can, your mom will appear and tell you to shut up and go to bed.

@ArfMeasures

SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird

@Jandalize

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.

@daddydoubts

I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.