@AechErvin

Me: *laughing in the face of danger*

Danger: *kills me*

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@buseysteeth

You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.

@AliciaATobin

There should be a YouTube compilation of the expressions on women’s faces when they discover a dress they are trying on also has pockets.

@Fred_Delicious

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

@joe_binkley

“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”

“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”

@ceejoyner

OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.

@ericsshadow

WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

@JanuaryJames

I carry a gun because I’d rather be judged by 12 than carried by six.

@NicestHippo

“Let’s go around the room & name our biggest fears”

SUPERMAN: Kryptonite

BATMAN: Bats

MARIO: When a turtle slowly walks in my direction

@pittdave13

I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on