@MarfSalvador

me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this

midwife: she won’t

You Might Also Like

@A_SmartAss

I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.

@thenoahkinsey

When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”

@Tobi_Is_Fab

I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

@Izianikapani

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

@Ilovelamp1979

I’m not a violent person. I just really enjoy assisting people in falling down.

@NrouteHQ

King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

@BruceForce

Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.

@Sarcasticsapien

If you’re going to insult the Amish, do it to their face. You kinda have to. They’re never gonna see it online.

@DrunksWithGuns

Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?

Cause I just Camelot.