me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this

midwife: she won’t

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Well played ninjas. Well played.


When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”


I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.


I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.


I’m not a violent person. I just really enjoy assisting people in falling down.


King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs


Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.


If you’re going to insult the Amish, do it to their face. You kinda have to. They’re never gonna see it online.


Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?

Cause I just Camelot.