me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
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Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
#JohnTravolta
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember