Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
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The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
lol
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
pelicons
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang