I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
*steals his car*
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On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
My mother has been called for jury duty. The woman sits on her deck w/a BB gun shooting at deer for eating her flowers. Buckle up defendants
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess