@Smooheed

Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states

Him: yeah?

*steals his car*

You Might Also Like

@PinkCamoTO

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

@CulturedRuffian

INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?

BATMAN: I right things.

I: What do you write?

B: I Right People’s Wrongs.

I: Oh so you’re an editor?

@JayFinW

There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.

Me: what should I say instead of bull-

Wife: shhh say snake instead.

Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.

@_missmoll414

My mother has been called for jury duty. The woman sits on her deck w/a BB gun shooting at deer for eating her flowers. Buckle up defendants

@clichedout

[day 3: stuck in elevator]

girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon

me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?

@Staggfilms

ME: I like nerdy girls.

HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.

@Mom_Overboard

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess