me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
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Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
He a real one for that
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter