me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money

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If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.


dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal

*calls in the SWAT team*

cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys


My coworker read some fake Facebook thing saying vitamin C is the cure for the virus. He’s been drinking 3 large glasses of milk per day for the last 9 days. I haven’t had the heart to tell him orange juice is the one with vitamin C


Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.


When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.


[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]


*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*

Now love me.


*my left eyebrow falls off*


teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that


Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.


Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.