@duumb

me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money

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@katiefzack

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

@50FirstTates

dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal

*calls in the SWAT team*

cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys

@stinky_blinders

My coworker read some fake Facebook thing saying vitamin C is the cure for the virus. He’s been drinking 3 large glasses of milk per day for the last 9 days. I haven’t had the heart to tell him orange juice is the one with vitamin C

@LostFelicia

Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.

@Tmoney68

When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]

@jctwritesstuff

*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*

Now love me.

**POOF**

*my left eyebrow falls off*

@panmidwest

teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that

@HomeProbably

Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.

@NickSwardson

Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.