me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
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If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.