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@bonehugsnirony

me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm

@JasonLastname

Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.

@PaperWash

*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview

@Wine_honey1

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

@IntrovertSquad

Friend: wanna hang out tomorrow?

Me: I actually performed an activity yesterday. Please wait the three day recovery period to submit another inquiry.

@BadMikeyBad

Thanks to SnapChat filters I’m now sexually attracted to girl rabbits, bats, and cocker spaniels

@omgthatspunny

When the window fell into the incinerator, it was a pane in the ash to retrieve.

@markleggett

I don’t like it when a pretty girl with glasses takes them off, and her eyes were actually painted onto the inside of the lenses.

@AmericanGent69

Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.

@Senor_LongDong

My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”