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me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm


Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.


*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview


Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room


Friend: wanna hang out tomorrow?

Me: I actually performed an activity yesterday. Please wait the three day recovery period to submit another inquiry.


Thanks to SnapChat filters I’m now sexually attracted to girl rabbits, bats, and cocker spaniels


When the window fell into the incinerator, it was a pane in the ash to retrieve.


I don’t like it when a pretty girl with glasses takes them off, and her eyes were actually painted onto the inside of the lenses.


Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.


My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”