*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
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Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”