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[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
it is time once again
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure