@KeetPotato

me: “leave the door ajar on your way out”
jam salesman: [visibly confused]

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@Julie_McGann1

I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.

@Henry_3000

People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.

@CoatCzech

1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping

@Jake_Vig

The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”

@KentTheG

When co-workers ask if the photos on my desk are my kids, I like to say, “No, they’re Dan’s from accounting. But they’re so cute!”

@WheelTod

Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife

@dundlewood

I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after

@aaronup

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

@Playing_Dad

*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche