me: “leave the door ajar on your way out”
jam salesman: [visibly confused]

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I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.


People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.


1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping


The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”


When co-workers ask if the photos on my desk are my kids, I like to say, “No, they’re Dan’s from accounting. But they’re so cute!”


Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife


I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after



Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it


*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche