Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
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I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.