Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
#merica
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
fair
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are