Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
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I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Thank you corporation very cool
Matt Goss
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”