ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
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[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.