ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
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me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife