Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I wish I was super hot.

Menopause: Say no more, fam.

There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.

Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.

Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.

Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.

Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?

The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.

My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.

Teacher: Write what you know.

Student: *writes “what you know.”*

And they lived apathetically ever after.

[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.

Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?

Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!

Those three magical words:

“Where’s the plunger?”

[on a plane]

Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”

Me: “Sure, can I have two?”

*puts one in each ear*

Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.

Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.

“Mummy, you look pretty today.”

If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.

Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.

Me: it’s bed time!

My kids: PARKOUR!

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.

people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like

My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.

Me: the cords are tangled.

Brain: pull at them.

Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?

Brain: pull at them violently.

Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor

Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.

day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea

don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine

Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.

[a door mysteriously slams shut]

me: *spooked* what was that

the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol

me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open

I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.

Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please

Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store

Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please

Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57

Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off