Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
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*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
I triple waxed for this?
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
work smarter, not harder