ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
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Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
WHY?!
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?