Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
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I’m good, thanks.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.