Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
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The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*