Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
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“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Pee pressure > peer pressure
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir