Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
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GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?