me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea


me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea

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If you’re having a bad day , just remember …

All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .


Fun DIY Project Even YOU Can Do
Step 1: Flip over empty wine bottle
Step 2: Use base as weapon


If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.


Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”


(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.


How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?


Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.


I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis


Me: I like the funny horse cartoon

Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it

Me: haha the cops a cat