Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
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When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
never ask a starfish for directions
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT