Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
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Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
The days of good grammer has went