Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
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The human body is 70% water and 30% land
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House