” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Me: Let’s have a fight with that guy you like
Brain: That’s not a good idea, he might actually like y…
Me: GOOD IDEA! WE ATTACK AT DAWN!
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Inventor: so a flying balloon
Me: i’m with you
Inventor: big flame over your head
Me: sounds good
Inventor: no steering
Inventor: *snorting coke* and you’re in a wicker basket
Me: i’m in
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
*baby takes first step*
wow took you long enough
If I get pushed in the pool this summer, I’m not swimming back up. Enjoy your murder charge 😌
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Uber, but they come and pick up people that don’t stop talking.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.