Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
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You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.