ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
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The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
I’m tired tomorrow.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
I am a gravy boat captain
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.