Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.

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English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language


My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?


Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother


Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.


Me: OK bedtime
Mind: Hey let’s think about stuff
Me: No, sleep
Mind: OK here are some horrible memories you want to forget


Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.


Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?


Wife: I told you not to go near that raccoon.

Me: *bleeding excessively* Tim and I just signed a blood pact of friendship.


My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”

*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix

It’s time.


No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.