Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
You Might Also Like
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
This will never not be funny 😭
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*