Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
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how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂
Not with that attitude
Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Beware of fowl play.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them