I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
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I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.