[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
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Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
I’ll never look at it the same again.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
I think at my age the next tattoo will be more responsible like a dragon across my back but doing his taxes.
The lady in front of me wearing yoga pants keeps bending over to pick up quarters, hope she will for dimes too, as I’m out of quarters.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.