@MelvinofYork

Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.

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@DanMentos

[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”

@hansabumsadaisy

Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.

No problem, I’ll get you another one.

Thanks, but make sure she likes football.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

@Bob_Janke

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

@carlyken

Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one

@TaranKillam

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

@EvilPandaX

I think at my age the next tattoo will be more responsible like a dragon across my back but doing his taxes.

@Deurb1

The lady in front of me wearing yoga pants keeps bending over to pick up quarters, hope she will for dimes too, as I’m out of quarters.

@Squizbot

Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.

@Robert_Beau

Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.