ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
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So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Happy Caturday!
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire