Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.

Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.

Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.

Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?

To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

“You’re acting weird.”

First of all, I’m not acting

Her: there’s something different about you

Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?

What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.

If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.

i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet

I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.

[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]

Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—

Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.

How’d you get those bruises?

*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*

Karate.

i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.

Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?

I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.

[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!

While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.

“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.

High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years

girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?

me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets

girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda

[digging through lost and found]

Target employee: What are you trying to find?

Me: My son

Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning

Sunday morning: wow I’m right here

I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.