ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
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god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
When you let grandma cat sit
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Schrödinger’s cookie
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.