Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
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the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”