Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?

Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date

Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime

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When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card


[Office Supply Store]

Me: *getting toner*

Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.


Me: I’m gonna take a shower

Spider in my bathtub: nope


I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.


In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.


“Sorry, I have to take this call.”
“That’s a banana. And it’s half eaten.”
*covers banana with hand
“I don’t tell you how to do business.”


First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.


Fight club. Only naps instead. Rules the same. Just no fights. Only secret, uninterrupted glorious naps.


Me: I’m super funny. I mean, how could 13K people be wrong?
Husband: There were WAY more people in the Nazi party.