When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
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[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Me: I’m gonna take a shower
Spider in my bathtub: nope
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
“Sorry, I have to take this call.”
“That’s a banana. And it’s half eaten.”
*covers banana with hand
“I don’t tell you how to do business.”
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Person who doesn’t know I’m on twitter: Have you see
Fight club. Only naps instead. Rules the same. Just no fights. Only secret, uninterrupted glorious naps.
Me: I’m super funny. I mean, how could 13K people be wrong?
Husband: There were WAY more people in the Nazi party.