@AbbieEvansXO

Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?

Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date

Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime

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@fro_vo

When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card

@TweetPotato314

[Office Supply Store]

Me: *getting toner*

Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.

@MizzusT

Me: I’m gonna take a shower

Spider in my bathtub: nope

@starwarsshirt

I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.

@TheWoodenslurpy

In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.

@_steamy_mac

“Sorry, I have to take this call.”
“That’s a banana. And it’s half eaten.”
*covers banana with hand
“I don’t tell you how to do business.”

@Brampersandon_

First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.

@JimmySelfDest

Fight club. Only naps instead. Rules the same. Just no fights. Only secret, uninterrupted glorious naps.

@1CleverGirl1

Me: I’m super funny. I mean, how could 13K people be wrong?
Husband: There were WAY more people in the Nazi party.
Me:……………..