Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
You Might Also Like
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
crying
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Doctors texting each other.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.