Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
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I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.