Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
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Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.