“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
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why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.